Fear of Fire

A red-shoulder hawk screeching woke me at noon. It is breeding time after all. I only ever hear two hawks at a time, but there’s three. I’ve seen them circling the yard. Probably two males courting the female. I checked my phone and I had a text from my secret lover of a thousand years. I texted back, “I just woke up. I always have the same dream. We’re at the same party and you ignore me. “

“Never!!!!” He replies.

If I have repeated dreams that you ignore me, and I tell you, why are you not listening to what I’m saying. Most days, I don’t know what to do with him or about him. Then I tell myself I don’t need to know or worry what I’m doing about him, I will do nothing, because this is nothing but a repetitive bad dream that will someday end. The other repetitive dream I have is the one where I text him that I can’t talk to him again because I have decided to take on a serious lover. I don’t even want a serious lover, or any lover at all, but what I want is to be cruel, to make the point that I will not be here forever.

“You don’t need to help me burn my fallen trees anymore, I have someone who can help me in earnest now. Someone who won’t ignore me if we’re at the same party.”

I think he thinks I’m a robot with no feelings, needs or wants. I wish I was, but I’m not, and I need someone to help me burn because I am terrified of fire.