I’ve been gone for days and I like checking in on my house without me in it. There are more than a dozen live fires in the area and I left the living room light on. I’m hoping my Santa Lucia Island Sage will survive this heat without water. My mother is going to give me a baby Palo Verde to plant when I get back. My Secret has a Palo Verde growing on the side of his house. I’m going to plant mine where the pole barn once stood, but first I had to check how fast it would ignite during the next fire.
The only birds I see when I’m in Las Vegas, are the great-tailed grackles with their green eyes and iridescent blue-black feathers. They congregate in casino parking lots and they were there when I pulled up to the parking lot to meet with a tarot-card reader and bird whisperer I had an hour reading with.
She asked what I want to know. I said, “work, money, when am I leaving and where am I going?” I didn’t have love in mind because I’m a thousand tears past that and my yearning has a name now so I can close the book on that.
She pulled out some cards: “You have been thinking about someone night and day and he got your message. He’s going to contact you to tell you he’s finally leaving Redding.”
I said, “why is he going to tell me, what do I care? We haven’t talked in months.”
“He wants you to know because he still thinks about you, you were his safe haven. He felt good around you. “
“I know he did. Does he hate me for ghosting him?”
“You broke his heart when you did, but he was never mad, he knew why you did it. And that you had to do it. But girl. I hate to fucking tell you this because the connection between you two is so fucking strong, but fucking run for your life. When he calls, don’t pick up. His life is still a fucking disaster and he’s emotionally unavailable–and so are you! The two of you find comfort in each other in a really fucked up way, man, you both are fucked up, you really are. I smiled agreeing remembering our hashtag #fff – freak friends forever. And I hate that Vegas always reminds me of him. Then again, everything does.
“Well, I’m really happy for him that he is finally getting out of Redding, he’s been wanting that for a long time. I hope it all works out for him. He’s a good kid and I wish him all the best.” I told her wanting to move on to the next topic. I didn’t have love in mind because I’m a thousand tears past that and my yearning has a name now so I can close the book on that.
And I wasn’t lying. I do wish him all the best, one can only take so much heartache, it’s time he got a break in life. I’m glad that I won’t be so haunted anymore out on the streets, always looking at my rearview mirror, at every truck with Oregon plates that looks like his. I touched the raptor tattoos on the tender inside of my arm, the very ones I got so I could be a different person other than the one he knew. I felt some closure knowing he was moving out of town.
To end the reading, The Devil card came up. “You gotta get your shit together” she said, “you’re a fucking mess right now.” She pointed to two cards, Queen of Cups and High Priestess, “don’t forget your crown, you are a queen and high priestess. But you know all of this. Straighten out in your head, man, or it’s going to be bad.”
She told me nothing new. I already know I’m a fucking mess, but I left laughing thinking it’s hard to find someone who curses more than me, and she definitely did. I appreciate people who curse a lot. As I rode back to my parents’ I thought about the other things she told me about the cowboy, which I, too, already knew, because I may be a fucking mess, but I am still a witch who knows things. And his things are sad, sad things, He really deserves a break in life. I stopped at a red light and saw the sidewalk lined with Palo Verde trees: “Oh, wow, I totally forgot to ask about My Secret. The one who has a huge Palo Verde tree on the side of his house. My Secret, the one I’ve been carrying around for close to a decade. My Secret, the one, who took one look at the raptor tattoos on my arm and said, “I love them.” I forgot to ask about him! He has officially become an after-thought.
I touched the raptor tattoos on the tender inside of my arm, the very ones I got so I could be a different person other than the one he knew. I didn’t have love in mind because I’m a thousand tears past that and my yearning has a name now so I can close the book on that.
My Love is for the Birds - Sketches 